This Just In!

The non runners are right! Running is boring. Just totally, totally boring and dull.

Let me set the scene: it was Wednesday of last week at 8:47 in the morning. I went out for an easy, out-and-back 6 and could still see my driveway by the time I’d had enough. It was oppressively, suffocatingly overcast and flat outside, like a raw pancake. The sky had sucked all of the color out of the world. My brilliant red shirt became a pasty ecru after a quarter mile; I had to burn it when I got home. It was too warm for tights, but startlingly cold, and I had a pesky, static wind in my face both ways.

By the time I got home 47 minutes later, I was weeping. My vibrant attire was ruined, and I was seven months older. Scarred and depressed, I thought about hanging it up. For good. I wanted to bury my shoes in the back yard, run over my toes with the car and smash my Garmin with a wrench. I snapped out of it after brushing my teeth with blueberry pomegranate GU and washing my face with Gatorade, and the few shoes I’d buried by that point were easy to clean off – no harm done.

As the color gradually seeped back into my life, I came up with this dreary list of mind-numbing things that are more exciting than running:

Lottery drawing reruns
White noise
Pink noise
An empty bowl
The back of a stamp
The inside of a wiffle ball
The bottom of a spoon
CPA exams
Harrison Ford
Flax seeds
The Euro
A pocketful of room-temperature sand
The shiny paper left behind after you peel the sticker off
A slightly shorter run

It sucks guys, but it looks like the non runners won. I guess we should all become cyclists or something…

Mr. Bacon